


hold me tight and don't let go

by woodchoc_magnum



Series: love will find a way [3]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Eddie Diaz Week 2020 (9-1-1 TV), Eddie Diaz-centric (9-1-1 TV), M/M, Sexuality Crisis, Worried Evan "Buck" Buckley
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-11
Updated: 2020-11-11
Packaged: 2021-03-10 01:06:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,398
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27505792
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/woodchoc_magnum/pseuds/woodchoc_magnum
Summary: Day 3: “Let go!” + AngstIn which Eddie struggles to deal with his feelings for Buck.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Series: love will find a way [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2005498
Comments: 46
Kudos: 313





	hold me tight and don't let go

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warning - Eddie is going through a sexual identity crisis in this one; may be mildly triggering if you have experienced something similar.

_Let go._

It was a stupid thing to say, but he'd panicked.

Buck's lips were on his and his hand was wrapped around Eddie's bicep and all he could think of to say was, "Let go."

And now he was sitting out in his truck in front of Buck's apartment building, rain beating down on the windows, one hand pressed to his lips – which were still on fire from Buck's kiss – trying to stop himself from shaking, to squash down the guilt and fear and shame… to suppress the overwhelming feeling of _yes, this is right, this what I want_ – he just couldn't. He couldn't have what he wanted, no matter how much he wanted it.

He looked up at the darkened apartment building again – the light was still on in Buck's loft, and every so often a shadow passed in front of the windows – god, _Buck_ … he'd pushed him away and fled the apartment without even saying goodbye, or explaining himself… he'd just left him.

_Let go._

There was something between them; there always had been, right from the moment they'd met. A spark or chemistry or _heat_ or whatever the fuck it was, there was _something_. He'd just ignored it, favouring friendship over anything else. Buck had tested the waters tentatively a few times, but Eddie had never reciprocated… but he _felt it_ , deep down inside, like a gnawing in his gut that never went away.

He could never act on it; that was the thing. He would lose his family if he acted on it. His parents would never forgive him, and it would drive a wedge in between their family. Eddie had always thought it was better to be selfless and ignore what would make him happy for the benefit of others.

Christopher deserved to have his grandparents, his aunts and uncles, cousins – his entire extended family. Eddie wasn't going to ruin that for him. He had no intention of being on the receiving end of ire from his parents; to cause them any more disappointment. They were on good terms – they'd finally accepted that he and Christopher were happy in Los Angeles, and the last thing he wanted was to jeopardise their fragile relationship.

But still… it was becoming harder and harder to deny himself of the one thing that would make him truly happy.

_Let go._

Two little words and they might've ruined everything.

Two little words and maybe he'd lost his best friend.

Two little words and maybe he'd lost _Christopher's_ best friend.

God, he hated himself. He hated that he was like this. He should want to be with a woman. He should want to date _women_. Christopher deserved a mother, and instead he had a pitiful excuse for a father, crying silently and miserably in his car in a parking lot outside his best friend's apartment, the constant driving rain a crescendo in his ears.

The guilt was overwhelming, crushing him. He knew there was nothing inherently wrong with how he was feeling – that if he was gay (and more and more he was starting to wonder if he _was_ ), it was fine. His friends would accept him.

His family wouldn't, and that was the part that he was trapped by. He just wanted to _not feel this way._ Why couldn't he just be straight? Wouldn't it be easier to wake up every day and not question himself, or feel guilty? And the guilt, god, the guilt – every single second of every day, especially working so closely with Buck, and being around him all the time… the guilt of wanting something _more_. To not feel so goddamn lonely all the time – the comfort and reassurance that only Buck could provide.

He felt guilty that he wasn't happy on his own. His son should be enough, but it wasn't, and he was miserable.

_Let go._

There was a tap on his window, and Eddie looked up, wiping his eyes. Buck was standing there, drenched, peering in through the window. "Eddie," he said desperately, his voice muffled by the glass and the rain. "I'm sorry."

He was blaming _himself_ , when Eddie… he'd wanted it, hadn't he? He'd… moved in closer, he'd licked his lips… he'd nodded and tilted his chin up, giving permission, and… Buck had kissed him.

And it felt _right._

And that was fucking _terrifying._

Buck tried the door, and it opened easily. Eddie could only stare at him, the steady driving rain beating down on the roof of his car. Buck kneeled, as if praying, and said, "Please, god… I'm so sorry, Eddie. Please. I take it back. We can just forget it ever happened, but please, Eddie… please don't leave; please don't hate me."

Hate him? There was no world, no universe, in which he hated Buck. He _loved him_ ; that was the fucking problem – the all-consuming love he felt for Buck clouded his mind and made him feel weak. He just couldn't… let himself feel it.

"Eddie," Buck said again, resting a hand on his knee. Droplets of water were sliding down his face, dripping off his eyelashes – were they tears? He had no idea. "Please, come inside. Please. You can hit me if you want… you can… do whatever you want, just don't leave. I'm begging you. Don't leave me. I need you so much," he said, his voice breaking. "I need you more than you'll ever know. Please don't leave me."

Eddie blinked rapidly, tears burning in his eyes.

_Let go._

Sometimes, in the darkest, loneliest hours of the night, he wondered what happiness felt like. Real, true happiness. Contentment. Peace.

Christopher made him happy – his son was the joy of his life, his heart and soul, but… the loneliness was crushing. Having no one to talk to; to be himself with, to share his life with… it was weighing on him more and more with every passing day. He tried to tell himself that being a father was all he needed; that Christopher's happiness could supplement his and all he needed to do was just keep putting one foot in front of the other, but… it was hard, and he was emotionally exhausted.

Buck was moving, rising to his feet, reaching into the car. Eddie had the fleeting idea to push him away, but he offered no resistance when Buck took the keys from the ignition and then slid his arms around Eddie's back in an awkward hug, pulling him up and out of the car.

He fought the urge to shove him away again, burying his face in Buck's neck as the rain beat down on them both. Buck slammed the car door shut and locked it, and then turned his full attention to Eddie. Both arms were wrapped around him in a tight embrace – Buck was soaking wet, and soon Eddie was too, but they stood in the parking lot outside Buck's apartment and hugged silently.

_Let go._

Buck's lips were on his cheeks, his arms wrapped around Eddie's upper back. "God, I love you," he whispered, his voice almost lost to the sound of the rain.

Eddie should pull away, but he couldn't.

He should get in his car and leave, but he couldn't.

He should tell Buck that they were just friends, but he just _couldn't._

He should leave. He had to leave. He shouldn't lift his head; he shouldn't lean in for another kiss. His heart shouldn't leap at the first touch of Buck's lips. He shouldn't let Buck pull him back to the building; he shouldn't go back inside… he shouldn't kiss Buck in the elevator, he shouldn't tear at his clothes, he shouldn't go back inside the apartment - he should leave, he had to leave, but instead he said, "I want you, please Buck, please, I'm sorry, please… don't let go."

"I won't," Buck said, like a solemn promise. "I won't."

He should hate himself a little more, but… in Buck's bed, with the rain beating down outside, and the rest of the world feeling so very far away, it was like a little piece of his soul finally clicked into place. Some of that self-hatred and misery began to crack, and the faintest spark of hope broke through.

Buck cast his fingers over his face, smiling down at him, all light and sunshine and everything good.

He loved him.

_Don't let go._

~to be continued~

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to Kat ([cinematicnomad](https://cinematicnomad.tumblr.com/) on Tumblr) for all your help!
> 
> The title is from [Don't Let Go - En Vogue](https://youtu.be/mwhwGmoYv1s)
> 
> Talk to me @ Tumblr: [woodchoc-magnum](https://woodchoc-magnum.tumblr.com/)


End file.
